Mindful Holiday Traditions
Written by Stephanie Ayres
If you are looking for ways to simplify your holiday season without much emphasis on Santa or gifts, but without taking away the magic of this time of year, this guide is for you. It will help you focus on creating meaningful memories with your loved ones while staying in alignment with your values and financial means.
The holidays are my favorite time of year. I love the seasonal aromas, soft white lights, cooking in the kitchen, giving thoughtful gifts, drinking warm chai tea, listening to Christmas music and the colder temperatures. It brings back all the sweet memories of my childhood that I cherish.
While Christmas itself is a celebration and an act of exchanging gifts, the Spirit of Christmas is in the Togetherness. It's in simple gestures in which we think about others. It's a wonderfully selfless time where we forget our differences and prioritize what’s important: being together. As an adult, it is so easy to lose sight of the real meaning of the holidays, which is precisely why I have written this blog.
The mother in me wants to create meaningful Christmas memories that set our family traditions apart from the experiences we have at our extended family gatherings. Growing up we didn’t have consistent holiday traditions. I had a very alternative childhood. It looked very different than most people I know. We moved a lot. I mean, a whole lot. I lived in four different states and attended eleven different grade schools before I graduated high school. Despite the instability, my upbringing was a blessing. It taught me at a very young age how to positively adapt to change and appreciate the simple things in life. It made me resilient and sparked a lot of creativity. I grew to understand that home was where my family was, not four walls of a structure. Although I am raising my son with more stability, my awareness at such a young age has translated to how I choose to celebrate the holidays.
How to Approach the Santa Topic
My childhood inspired me to create a magical Christmas with very little emphasis on gifts or Santa. With divorced parents and modest finances, Christmas time was not really about gifts. This might not have been intentional, my parents worked hard to provide for us and stay within their financial means. But as a result of these financial limitations we never had high expectations of numerous gifts during the holidays. My fondest memories of Christmas Day as a young girl is waking up to warm and loving home with my mom off work and ready to relax with us. No agendas or places to be. Each house we lived in offered different scenery of nature and floor plans that flood my brain with so many wonderful memories. Some holidays we woke to a white blanket of snow outside our windows. Some homes had fireplaces with warm fires burning. Some years we spent the holiday in the car commuting from one family gathering to another. My mom always played alternative Christmas songs like Bob Dylan’s Little Drummer Boy and the TV alternated between The Yule Log and the 24 hour marathon of The Christmas Story.
I am not sure if it was intentional, but Santa was not a huge part of my Christmas experience. Yes, we did the Santa thing. My earliest Christmas memory is being so excited on Christmas Eve that I couldn’t sleep. I waited up to listen for the reindeer footsteps and the sleigh landing on my roof. I later learned that my mom had a CD of Santa sounds she would play once we went to bed. They are somewhat sweet and innocent memories, but also confusing for me. I remember the year I found out that Santa wasn’t real. I felt all the magic seep from the holiday. I remember thinking, “If there was no Santa, then what was the purpose of Christmas?”
These thoughts have lingered all these years. Now that I am a mother I have been asking myself how I want to approach the Santa topic. It is not an easy thing to go against the grain with the way our American culture celebrates Christmas. Santa is everywhere. So this is my approach and I expect things to evolve as my son ages and we face new circumstances:
Santa is a character in the story of Christmas. Much like Mickey Mouse or Curious George. He helps us understand the spirit of giving. I do not plan to avoid Santa themed anything. I will merely treat him as I would any other character in a story.
Encourage my son to use his own imagination and think for himself. When my son is old enough to ask questions, I will always lead with “what do you believe” rather than forcing my beliefs on him. If he wants to believe in Santa, I won’t get in his way.
Gifts are from Mommy and Daddy. We keep a running list of toys he wants just like we would for Santa. Santa may come to his grandparents and they may continue their own holiday traditions with him, I do not mind that. In our home I do not plan to do “Elf on a Shelf” or leave a cookie out for Santa.
Emphasize the Spirit of Christmas. You can do this through shared experiences, advent calendars, togetherness, story time, fun activities and creativity. The best way that comes to mind is the process of getting a tree and decorating it. Making a family meal and listening to Christmas songs. The entire holiday season from Thanksgiving to New Years is a wonderful time to plan fun things to do as a family. The fun of what we are going to do together is where the magic lives.
My goal is to shift the focus away from the gifts, or expected behaviors to be good enough to receive a gift, and instead focus on each other. To create memories with slow and intentional experiences by taking the time rather than rushing from one thing to the next. Exploring handmade gifts, baking with the help of tiny hands, getting plenty of rest and staying present in moments.
Below are five ways that I plan to shift the focus inward this holiday season. Starting in my home so these values ground us as we navigate outside commitments.
Establish New Traditions
Just because holidays have always been celebrated a certain way doesn’t mean you have to continue it. Many of us feel immense pressure to celebrate a certain way during the holidays. This is often done by bending our values or comforts in the name of “family tradition”. If you find that an old tradition no longer serves you or your family, its ok to let go of it. If it causes you stress, triggers trauma or you just aren’t into it, that is ok. You don’t have to continue it. Make your own traditions or rituals that bring you joy and are aligned with your core values.
There are many ways you can create boundaries while also honoring your in-laws or extended families rituals. My in-laws and my immediate family have beautiful traditions that I look forward to year after year. I wouldn’t want to change anything about these events because their way of doing things has become the very thing makes them so special. When we are at their home, we honor their way of celebrating the holiday. The goal is not to change the way they do things. Rather, the goal is to make traditions that align with my values and beliefs when celebrating with my children and husband.
This can include changing the order of events or location of a celebration so it better suits your young family. For example, last year I hosted Christmas Morning at our house. After years of getting dressed and having to travel across town or city lines I want to spend my Christmas Day with my son at home without much of a timeline. This was a change for my extended family. I understand that one day in the distant future when my children have families of their own I will no longer host Christmas morning. My only hope is that I will remember what it felt like to be a young parent wanting to share the magic of Christmas in my own special way with my children.
Another thoughtful idea for a seasonal tradition is to consider gifting acts of services. This is geared more towards older kids or partners. In fact, this is something my husband and I look forward to each year. He loves to surf, but often feels guilty being away from us. Last year I gave him 10 surfing passes that he can use anytime, no questions asked. Alternatively, since I tend to do more domestic chores, he has given me 10 off duty chore passes that I can pull, no questions asked. Gifting acts of services can be a fun way to keep the intimately alive within a relationship. It shows you care about one anothers passions and/or want to help do things they don’t enjoy. My point is there are many ways to create fun, genuine and thoughtful traditions buy using our time and efforts rather than our money.
Establishing new traditions can be as simple as creating daily rituals for you to do together. These types of activities entice anticipation and excitement as your children begin to look forward to the experience or mystery ahead. Here are some ideas for establishing new traditions in your family:
Advent Calendar with gift making, shared experiences, holidays books, etc.
Thrift Christmas themed or seasonal books
Bake goods for neighbors
Do a seasonal activity based on your geographic location (sledding, beach walk, hike, camping)
Wake up early and watch the sunrise with a breakfast picnic (we love this for Christmas Eve and New Years Eve)
Write cards or create art for family members (especially nice for distant relatives)
Volunteer in your community
Donate items to a thrift store to make room for new things
Make Christmas Tree Ornaments
Make garlands of things found in nature (dried oranges, pine cones, cedar tree)
Watch a special movie together as a family
Make homemade hot chocolate
Breakfast for dinner
Acts of Service (see above paragraph)
Make your child’s or husband’s favorite meal
Take a walk to see the Christmas lights
Create an ongoing playlist of your favorite Christmas songs
Prioritize Your Family Needs
Follow a schedule that is sustainable for you and your children. Be an advocate for your children so they do not get overwhelmed or over stimulated by the business of the holiday events.
Every now and then we have special circumstances that need special attention. New family members, divorce or separation, death in the family, illness or injury. These situations require hard boundaries in order for everyone to enjoy themselves.
Let’s brief some ways we can navigate these sticky situations.
Young children or newborns require a completely different schedule. It can be inconvenient for the parents or host to accomodate to these schedules, but it is necessary at times. It can also be a wonderful excuse to go home early. I am a staunch advocate for stability in a child’s routine, especially when the family is new and still figuring out their rhythm. Allow yourself to be late or leave early if you need to get your child to sleep or the environment is not suitable for them…or you. As a parent of a rambunctious toddler I am fully aware of the exhaustion of just leaving the house. When we are at restaurants, parks or pretty much anywhere outside of our property lines, I am not able to fully relax. If you are not enjoying yourself because you are chasing your child or trying to keep them out of serious danger (pools, fires, decks) then give yourself permission to leave when you have had enough.
Even if you are not a parent, if a specific setting is triggering or you are simply exhausted, its ok to leave or go into a separate room and take a beat. One of my fondest memories of my late father is during every single holiday, without fail, my dad would quietly disappear into a guest bedroom and take a nap. Once we all settled down and took notice that he was gone someone would wander around to find him resting in peace. Sometimes my grandmother would sneak in and give him a foot rub while they caught up on life. It is these moments that we feel we need to constantly be ON, but when we are amongst those who love us unconditionally we ought to feel comfortable honoring our urges and doing what is best for ourselves or our families.
Divorce adds a little twist to every holiday season. When you are the divorced or separated parent, this often means rotating years. I am familiar with this routine and I am especially compassionate about the difficulties it inherently causes. This could be your own partner dynamic, or perhaps your elder parents are divorced. Dividing time between different family events is tricky and can easily cause tensions to rise. Even when you are in a healthy relationship you will face a tug of war between the two families. Stay focused on what you can control and let go of the rest. Not everyone will be satisfied with how things go down, but if you spend all your time trying to please others you will become increasingly frustrated and resentful.
Consume Less.
Isn’t it crazy that we spend so much of our year in alignment with our values but when the holiday season begins everything we value goes out of the window? We eat foods that we know are horrible for our digestion, drink far more alcohol than we know we should and spend outrageous amounts of money in order to feel we are participating in the spirit of Christmas. When I think back to holidays past, this is a common theme — over indulgence. Overspending, becoming a lush and eating unhealthy food have become synonymous with the holidays, but it doesn’t have to. There are many ways to avoid drinking alcohol, eating poor foods and spending beyond your means. Below are ways you can set intentions and boundaries around these common issues.
SPENDING HABITS
To avoid impulse purchases, make a list of what you need or want. If you can, wait a few hours before you go through with the transaction. Leave the store or walk away from your computer. Ask yourself if it aligns with your values and financial means. Of all the things you’ve added to your wish list, what is the one thing you keep thinking about? This helps highlight the very thing you love and will use the most. Showing self restraint can be a truly satisfying thing! It gives you more funds to spend on the bigger ticket items and saves your home from clutter. Showing self-restraint with your spending is also a great practice to share with your children. Remember, they are observing your relationship with money and your spending habits. There is no better time than holidays and birthdays to help your children establish healthy habits with managing money.
ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION
This can be tricky, even for a health nut like myself. I enjoy sharing conversation over a glass of wine. However, it is good to set boundaries so you don’t get carried away. I love to bring a hydrating non-alcoholic beverage to a party. This way I can say my hellos without being distracted by my desire to go grab a drink. I pack a thermos of hot tea or chai to sip on before switching to a glass of wine or a cocktail. You can order a mocktail or hot tea at a restaurant and most parties offer an alcohol free options. Fortunately, it is becoming more and more common for people to not drink and this has brought on a wave of creative non-alcoholic drink recipes that are more satisfying than a can of soda water. Most gatherings should offer something for their sober friends, but it never hurts to come prepared with your own.
For inspiration on healthy (and delicious) seasonal foods and non-alcoholic drinks, check out Claire Ragozzino’s blog.
MINDFUL EATING
Our family tends to do potluck style family meals. I always bring foods that I know my family will enjoy, which are naturally healthy and nourishing. If you don’t enjoy cooking, check out your local farmers market for vendors for premade healthy foods. If you have special dietary needs, offer a suggestion to the host so they have a little direction. Every host wants to please their guests. From an Ayurvedic perspective: avoid sluggish digestion by not to skipping meals to “save room” for the big event. Eat your meals at similar times. Why? My Ayurveda teacher, Julie Bernier, says that our stomachs are not conveyor belts. Our stomachs need adequate time to digest the food it receives. Similarly, avoid eating after 8pm. These things will help to avoid a weak digestion and tummy ache, which helps you stay present in the moment.
Slow Down
There is so much beauty in slow moments. When we take away distractions and can be fully present with our family, that is when memories become etched into your brain for a lifetime. To be successful in your attempts to slow down over the holidays it can be helpful to say “no” more than you say “yes”. Be selective about your commitments. There will be an endless amount of activities that present themselves over the holidays: school recitals, family gatherings, friendsgivings, holiday markets, work parties and the list goes on. Talk with your children and partner and get very intentional when making your schedule. By committing to less you will find yourself enjoying yourself more.
Enjoy the Wabi Sabi way: Embrace the imperfection. Have self-compassion and grace as we move through the holiday season. It is ok if things go off course. Instead of prioritizing perfection, focus on the event at hand. You want to involve your kid in the meal preparations? Let them make a little mess. It is part of the fun! Let them wrap their own gifts for Nana and Pop. Trust me, it will add so much joy on the receiving end. Who doesn’t love a sweet home wrapping from your favorite little person? Running late? Now this one is a big one for me, but I have really let go of the need to be perfectly on time. Having children will do this to even the most punctual person. If you don’t have all the ingredients for the pie, get creative. Try to give yourself ample time to cook or prepare yourself so that you can make swift changes if things go awry.
Another way to slow down is to make time for you. I know for me, in order for me to be a gracious and caring mother and wife, I need to honor on my needs. Give yourself the time to enjoy the things that you may not otherwise have the time to do because of work or school schedules. This will often require a little give and take with your partner, but if done well everyone benefits. So go to yoga, take a solo bike ride, enjoy a long hot shower or bath. This reset will fill your cup so you can then give back to others in meaningful ways.
And finally, remind yourself that it’s ok to have an open schedule. It feels so good to stay home and do absolutely nothing. Allow your children the time to play with their toys and use their imagination. Cuddle your baby. Play a board game together. Watch a sports game. Rent a good movie. Take a nap. Give yourself time to read a book. Order take out. Ask your partner to do less, too. Just be together as a family and create memories through these slow moments with no agenda.
Create Memories Through Shared Experiences
Time is free, but it’s priceless. As we get older many of us spend less and less time with the friends and family we love. Life gets busy. Geographical distance creates isolation or dissociation. Out of sight, out of mind. It takes consistent effort to stay in touch over the year. However, this time of year is a strong reminder of just how precious and limited time is. Don’t waste it.
One of the most crushing realities I have faced in my 34 years of life is the raw fact that my dad will never walk this earth again. I will never share another Christmas with him. I will never get to give him a warm hug as I enter his house. I will never get to share a glass on wine on his deck overlooking the sunset. The time for us to spend together in the flesh and blood is long gone. The truth is, you are never promised tomorrow so don’t waste today.
There is absolutely no better way to show someone how much you love them than to be fully present with them. Doing things together create memories that bond people for lifetimes. I encourage you to let go of the need to give an abundance of material gifts and opt for shared experiences with the people in your close knit community. Put your phone down and connect in person. Buy tickets to a show, go on a long walk, take your family to dinner, garden together, throw the baseball, take your kid surfing. These are the things we will remember the most, not the gifts.
I love this quote. When asked "What's the biggest mistake we make in life?" The Buddha replied,
“The biggest mistake is you think you have time. Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. And once it's lost, you can never get it back.”
I hope this has given you cause to pause this year. To set intentions for how you want to celebrate with your family while staying in alignment with your values. The whole point of the holiday season is to genuinely connect with your family and close friends. It is in the Togetherness that The Spirit of Christmas lives. Do your best to set aside distractions and make choices that will allow you to stay present in the moment. Slow down and honor the time we have been given to be together.
All my love, Stephanie
P.S. If you have holiday traditions you’d like to share, please leave them in the comments below. I welcome all inspiration for a mindful holiday.
